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I think for the first time in my life I’m depressed.
I’ve had a horrible string of events happen to me this summer and I recently just got on the depo shot so I think it’s a combination of both.
It’s weird, I’ve thought I was depressed in my life before but I think this might be the first time I actually have been.
I can’t stop crying. Over nothing. I’ll just randomly start crying and feeling so hopeless and sad.
I haven’t left my bed in days. I went out yesterday and left after 15min because I didn’t have the motivation to do anything.
I keep trying to go out with people, but I have no friends and therefor no friends.
I want to go out and do something. Go to the park, the fair, a baseball game, something, anything to help. Maybe it won’t work idk.
Idk.  I just feel hopeless and it’s really scaring me.

I’m so sad.

Anonymous said: Your breasts are looking so good lately whoa.. If I told you who I was would you show me

wtf no

So Tuesday I went looking through this blog with this lovely boy I’m seeing Jacob. 
We laughed so hard at all these old photos of me and movies I made.
It’s so silly how caught up I was in being hip and wise and smart.
Who am I to be giving anyone advice, huh? I’m just an 18 year old girl who doesn’t really have a clue.

My life is a giant canvas and I haven’t got a clue what to paint.
It’s weird how much changes in life. No matter what I tell myself, every time I look back 6 months I’m confused how I managed to change so much. 6 months ago? 6 months ago I was completely different person. and 6 months from now I will probably look at this moment and be so baffled by my actions.
constantly growing. constantly evolving.


Anonymous said: is shauna gach the shauna you mentioned before?

Couldn’t tell you the last time I’ve mentioned Shauna.
Or even been on this blog.
But yeah, probably. She’s the only Shauna I know.

Anonymous said: How would you define your sexuality? Or is it more fluid, beyond definition?

I’m straight :)
I have “girl crushes” and there’s definitely girls I could say I’m attracted too.
If Megan Fox, Tegan and Sara, Or the Olsen twins wanted to make out, I wouldn’t say no.
But sexually I gotta say I dig men ; )

I feel really bad I don’t go on here anymore, I still have such loyal followers :(

I love you all <3

Hi guyz/

I really do not like Christmas shopping.
I went to the mall for 3 hours and only found presents for my mom and sister.

I wish I was creative or had more time, I’d love to make them something personal.
But instead I’m going to stores and buying them dumb shit that they will never remember its from me probably.

It’s just lame, Christmas is about family and spending time together but it’s become such a commercial lame thing.
The day after Thanksgiving, hell, the night of Thanksgiving, people are flipping out trying to get presents for cheap.

That. Isn’t. The. Point.

I mean I’m gonna get some fancy shoes and nice clothes and I’m gonna be stoked but I feel so greedy, I don’t need any of that. 
No one needs to buy me that for me to love and appreciate them Christmas morning.

But anyway Christmas shopping was a disaster.

I got overwhelmed so I picked up my friend Sean so we could go out to dinner.
I have never craved a steak so bad.

I got cheese sticks and he showed me the “proper technique” to eat them, lol.
And parmeasan crusted steak <3__<3 It’s seriously flippin delicious.

But I love my work discount, I got a steak, he got buffalo wings, we shared fried cheese, and got soda- all for $12. BALLIN.
But yeah dinner was good, me and sean got into a decently big fight at Every Avenue..mostly because I had some to drink and like usual my suppressed feelings of hate came out.

It’s so lame, I love him and hate him so much. Passionate hate and genuine love. So friggggggin annoying.

It’s not really okay what he makes me go through, but I make him feel like shit for it all the time so I suppose we’re kinda even.

Idk, I’m still waiting for the day when we finally just drift apart. I know it’s gonna happen and I know it needs to happen, it’s inevitable.

Blah. I need to stop thinking about iiiitt.
I hope he sends me flowers soon, or buys me that kitty.
I’m decently okay with both of those things happening soon. 

Anonymous said: there yuh go again, bringing up sarah. stop dwelling on the past girly

Aha, stop.

My blog is personal, If you choose to follow me, awesome. But I’m going to speak what’s on my mind or what’s been troubling me lately.

I’m not dwelling on anything, just thinkin’

Anonymous said: what makeup do you use?

I already answered this, just scroll down my blog :)

Random Thoughts.

Every once in a while this lovely lady Isabella Ruso pop’s up on my facebook, or tumblr, or instagram, or whatever silly social networking website I’m tuned into.

It always takes my mind back to a time in my heart I’ll always hold dear to me. A time of spring air, high waisted shorts, crying over boys with mustaches, drinking R&R on the beach, bonfires and tents and boys and peace of mind.
Driving 3 hours to Grand Rapids just to escape for the night to what seemed like such a magical place. A place of solace and friendship and adventure.

I suppose when my relationship with Sarah became tumultous I started writing off everything about my life. I was so upset to have been caught in a web of lies that I threw away everything I knew. It hurt too much to think of these memories, because at the time, they seemed as fake as her.
I threw away Grand Rapids. I threw away my dreams of Grand Valley and sitting on the roof talking about Jesus with Izzy.
I threw away everything I knew.
I felt so ashamed. I always wanted to be just like Sarah, and all of these things seemed just too, well, Sarah.
So I reinvented myself.
I ran as far away as I could from anything that was involved with our relationship.

My clothes, my faith, even some of my dreams.

Looking back, wasn’t that so silly? Anyone can see how silly it was.
She might have been fake, but that peace of mind wasn’t.
That feeling of clarity, of light, it wasn’t fake.

I miss Isabella. I miss that feeling I once knew, I miss that life that used to be mine.
Just because that life used to be shared with Sarah doesn’t mean that life needs to burn out.

I just..sigh.
I don’t know, I’m just in an emotional mood I suppose.

I am happy, truly.
There are parts of me that I can embrace and grasp now that she is gone. Parts of my life I hid away because I was scared of her judgement. I like wearing flannels, and black for that matter. I like nirvana and the pixies and modest mouse. I like going to concerts. I like drinking. I like being me. Not “Sarah-Emily” or “Magen-Emily”. No. Just Emily.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t like high waisted shorts. Or folk music. Or painting. Or learning. Dreaming. Growing. Believing.

I was so quick to throw away everything and start all over when I found out about her deceit, but I wish I wouldn’t have.

The friendship I had with Izzy was real, the joy I got from Grand Rapids and that time in my life was real. She was fake, but she inspired me.

I wish I didn’t let that light burn out.
That time in my life was beautiful, on the outside. The inside was filled with lies and tears and deceit. But that isn’t what the inside of my life looks like anymore.

My life is filled with honesty, acceptance, and love. But I don’t feel fulfilled. I miss so much.

I miss so much.

Sigh, sorry, I haven’t posted anything personal in a while and I just needed to get some thoughts out of my mind.s

Blahh blahh blahh

I wish I knew why I was attracted to such awful things.
Why I’m always drawn to do something illegal or stupid or something I know is wrong.
Is that what being a teenage is?
I don’t like it.